the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Randomize
