I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
I expect to be treated like a lady. Even If your sticking it in my ass.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
Randomize
