i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
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