thx for the lesson on dirrty dancing
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
Randomize
