i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
I heard Topanga got a DUI. I need that mugshot asap.
If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
Randomize