a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
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