I don't usually arrange sex via text message
Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
If fixing it is ignoring it, and getting naked. Then yes we fixed it.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
Randomize
