I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
Randomize
