I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
Randomize
