I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
Randomize
