my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
I just blew my weed a kiss
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
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