Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
Randomize
