The last thing I remeber was convincing you to hide in the fridge, and then taking everything out and you not fitting.
I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
She acts like you when your on meds
She acts like batman?
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
