I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
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