Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
Randomize
