Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
Please get rnbert tn get chebk h'm in i'm no dead when he getr gome
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize