Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
After tacos, we're chasing women.
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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