do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
The chlamydia really affected his face.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
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