The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
she's telling me all about the love triangles of her sims. you tell me how it's going.
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Randomize
