Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
She made me role-play everything from an older prof to a in-patient in need of a medical exam. Yay for cocaine.
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
E drugging s springing. Ease dnt Kate. To t e. ess e I meant thou.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Randomize
