Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
she said it was ok for her to take her top off in the hot tub but she didn't take off her bottoms because that would be slutty
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
Randomize
