Dude you just kept yelling "She was my first asain!" right in front of her.
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
Randomize
