I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
Randomize