please come you make the beer taste better
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
Randomize
