I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
I love wearing low cut shirts cuz then when class gets boring, I can look down and admire my breasts.
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Randomize