I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
Randomize
