i wish there were pregnant emoticons
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
