have you ever wondered what it would feel like to stick those coneheads in your vaj
omg every time its on
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
Fuck me I smell like cheese
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
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