I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
he was uncircumcised...I HAVE NOT YET REACHED THAT SKILL LEVEL OF DICK
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
My serious response to your Cathy tattoo inquiry- Do you ever want to get laid by someone not wearing a Blossom style bucket hat? Tattoo accordingly.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
Randomize
