We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
So i've def seen the girl running for student body VP getting fingered in a bar.
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
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