Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
I'm gonna fuck that sweet little pussy of yours into absolute submission
Wow. Sorry. As soon as I sent that I felt inappropriate. But yes. Bring a sandwich after. Lol
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Randomize
