I hope my future cuntsucker is that tight
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
We're playing a drinking game to 'how to train your dragon'. has it really come to this?
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
Randomize
