please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
she's got that wholesome 16 and pregnant look.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Randomize
