I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
My penis needs a shock collar
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
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