remind me not buy ky at kmart ever again. Had to get a manager to open the locked case. then he stood there and watched me look through the selection
I hate that ur telling me this.
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
Randomize
