idk why but i just wanna to have sex with the idea of him. i don't even wanna meet him.
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
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