im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
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