I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
so then we both started to do the walk of shame and she didnt realize we had fucked in her apartment until some lady said hi to her in the elevator
you didnt stop her?
too entertaining
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
Randomize
