sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
Randomize
