Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
vegan vag taste different. and not a good different
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
Randomize
