Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
Nothing wrong with a few meaningless hookups. Keeps the mind occupied and the body satisfied
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
Randomize
