can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
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