it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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