theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
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