i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
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