Omg I def was not. I wasn't that drunk. I showed that I stuff my bra but I didn't whip my tit out.
xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
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