this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
Randomize
