Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
