Party's warming up, a tranny just got here...
You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
