I can tuck mytits in my pants
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
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