You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
I missed rounds this morning...my senior resident hooked me up to and IV and made me stay in the clinic because he said I didn't look presentable enough to walk around the hospital
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Randomize
