my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
Randomize
