shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
