i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
Biggg time. I found 2 empty packages of extenze in my car this am.... not sure what that was all about
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
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