is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Randomize
