i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
Randomize
